a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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