I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize