somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
