dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
