all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
