Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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