I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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