Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
we're so committed to being not committed
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
