your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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