I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
