I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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