i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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