don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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