The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
