I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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