I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
