just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
