So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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