and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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