Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
