tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
