I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
