I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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