So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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