Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We got so high we made milksteak
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
