This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
