she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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