At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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