dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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