I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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