My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
