u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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