I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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