Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
