I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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