I am in a vortex of obligation.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
