nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
