I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
