Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
