I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
