I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
