Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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