you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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