All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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