you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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