i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize