Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
