My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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