Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
