Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You took a bar mat shot.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
