I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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