So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
