my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
