oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
