I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
