I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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