I think I died a long time ago.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
