Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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