I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
