I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
