just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
