here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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